July 28 2012
I dragged myself out of bed today, at about 12.30 pm - today been my 60 birthday, dragged was a understatement really, I had to force myself to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor.  Why you might ask? this is an big occasion, one might think I would have been up at the crack of dawn, to see what my family had arranged for me for this special day.

The truth is, I know that my family have nothing arranged, my partner of 32 years, was not even aware I was having a birthday today till I arrived home from work last night with some flowers and the remains of a cake my workplace had given me.  The truth is that whilst I told everyone at work yesterday, that I was not doing anything special today and that it was just another day, I had secertely hoped that this year would be different from the last 31 years and that just maybe, he would have bought me something special or at least arrange to take me out for lunch ( I knew dinner was out of the question, as he turns into a pumpkin after 9.00).  I thought maybe my 23 year old son who still lives at home would have bought me something or again taken me to lunch, but no, last night when again he was made aware of the fact that it was my special day today, "What do you want for your birthday" and I suggested lunch perhaps would be good "No I have to work tomorrow" ok then what about dinner, " NO after working a whole six hours, I will be too tired to go out".  He is twenty three for Gods sake, at his age I was working full time in an office, part-time in a pub three nights a week till 1or two in morning and scubbing floors on the weekend just to keep a roof over mine and his half brother's head, plus the usually housework and childcare involved. And when will men realise that the joy is not in getting the physical present but the knowledge that they have thought about you enough to have actually bought you something, or arranged an surprised outing.

So what about this half brother, who turns 41 in two days time, so it is not as if he could possibility forget my birthday, one would think, Well usually on my birthdays he remembers to ring me something shortly before his bedtime, for about two minutes or so.  Never a birthday card in the mail even, I know men are not good at this, but he has a wife, surely she could be relied on to send a card or maybe even prompt him to ring early.   Well once again, that has never happened before, so I am not expecting it this year, and it looks like I was once again not disappointed.  Does he live interstate or something, no he lives less than an hours drive away and manages to go somewhere every weekend and everyday of the recent school holidays with his family, but never once dropped in or even extended an invition to go with them, whilst her mother appears in most of the photos taken on their outings,  If I am sounding bitter, I am and totally depressed and down.

Ok, once out of bed, maybe things will improve, "Wrong" first of all I step into a pool of wee, my little dog has done on the floor, my partner is sitting at the computer so obviously has not seen it, wishes me a casual happy birthday as I walk pass him into a kitchen that is still littered with dirty dishes from tea the night before.  Usually in the mornings before I go to work at 7.30 I have to wash the dishes left from the night before, but once again I thought today would be different.   It is a this point, I realise that it is not just the terrible cold I have woken up with and that is causing my runny nose and sore throat, that is making my eyes run, but the shit life I have.

I did get a happy birthday from my youngest, my loving daughter.  She does live interstate, thousands of miles away and whilst she is uni student living on pittance, she has the last two years sent me flowers and other presents by courier. This year, I am aware that she is really broke and I am not expecting anything from her, In fact I would be angry with her if she  spends any money on me, however, I did expect perhaps a phone call this morning, instead I get a text just after midnight which says - "Happy birthday, Old women, have a fabulous 60th". Apart from the fact that she could not ring, she calls me old. Good job I am not at all sensitive right now!!

I could get dressed up and take myself out,  that would be better than nothing "right".  Well I might even do that, if I had any money, but I am so broke at the moment, I am trying to get enough together to pay the mobile phone bill, which is overdue, that is the phone bill for not only my phone which is a whole 29 dollars but the remaining two hundred dollars is for my son and daughters phone that I still pay.

Ignoring the fact that my partner has now departed to go and do something, he is relucent to do, without even saying goodbye, I clean up the floor, start to wash the dishes, meanwhile crying my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself.  I decide to turn on the computer, and check FB, maybe there will be something from my extended family.  Yep I now feel a whole lot better, "not".  Amongst the greeting from a few distant friends, there is another short but slighly better message from my daughter, but still nothing from my son.

I am sitting here in the freezing cold in a lounge room with no heating and in the semi dark as the clouds are gathering outside again, the room is as cold and as dark as my feelings.  I am so depressed and lonely again.  Over the years I have on many occasions felt like this, but everytime I sink into this deep black hole, I somehow manage to pull myself back to a level, where I can operate, continue to go to work, and appear relatively normal to most, whilst inside fighting myself at every level to keep going. Trouble is, the older I get, the harder it gets to keep fighting back and to keep dragging myself out of the hole and literally out of bed.  There is going to come a time, when I won't be strong enough anymore.  I have worked hard all my life, tried to do the best for my family for the most part, never deliberately did anything to injure or  hurt anyone, never stole from an employer (even though I could have on many a time) always put my friends before my own needs,( even though they have not always been as honorable in return), never demanded lots of money or goods from my partner (put up with lots of shit and strive) nothing ever seems to be enough and I don't seem to have ever been really loved by anyone. 

Yesterday one of my bosses "Greg" asked me, if I regretted anything looking back on my sixty years, and I flippantly replied "Marrying for love and not money", but the truth is I regret I never did find love.